


l'appel du vide

by skai_heda



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anger, F/M, Heavy Angst, Post-Josephine Lightbourne Possessing Clarke Griffin, Suicidal Thoughts, its only bellarke if you squint i guess, not a happy ending im warning you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 20:23:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19216855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skai_heda/pseuds/skai_heda
Summary: "Oh, for god's sake, Clarke!" Raven spits. "We don't need you. No one needs you right now."There's a brief pause.And then Clarke grabs her bag and leaves.or, the one where Clarke takes matters into her own hands.





	l'appel du vide

**Author's Note:**

> okay guys i promise i'm still updating speculo for those of you still reading it  
> title means 'the call of the void' in french

Clarke isn't a stranger to chaos.

But she finds that the chaos she had just escaped is just a bit too much for her, too much to handle.

_There's work to be done, Clarke._

There's an insistent tapping on the walls and the roof, and Clarke realizes that it's  _rain._

She drags herself out of bed, looking down at her jacket, at her boots, still wearing her normal clothes. There's a sharp pain in the back of her neck, but she ignores it as she opens the door.

Everyone is gathered around the room that Gabriel had ordered to be cleared out so Clarke's friends could wait.

Why they would wait, Clarke isn't sure. Probably on Bellamy's orders.

Her backpack is at the corner of the room, and she wonders where it came from.

To her immense surprise, Echo untangles herself from Bellamy's arms and comes to wrap her arms around Clarke. It's odd, considering the relationship between the two, but Clarke hugs her back after a moment, craving the surprisingly comforting warmth Echo provides.

"My god, Clarke," Echo sighs, pulling away. "We thought you were dead."

Out of habitual instinct, Clarke's eyes find Bellamy's, and she suddenly feels cold and weak, and it takes all of her effort to not collapse against the woman in front of her.

"I'm alive," she whispers. "And we have to go."

"Go where?" Emori asks, her tone slightly challenging, and a headache explodes in Clarke's head at the thought of the coming argument.

"Back," Clarke says, biting back a groan and an urge to press her hands into the sides of her head. "Russell won't be in the dark on this for long."

A long silence stretches, but at some point Clarke realizes that people are talking, yelling, but it all sounds very far away, as if Clarke's head has been submerged underwater. It feels like someone is slowly cutting her head open, while insistent hammers pound on the inside walls of her skull.

Unbidden, Clarke thinks of Josephine Lightbourne raising a hammer to strike the walls of her cell, and Clarke gasps out loud.

All the shouting starts, and Clarke opens her eyes, unaware that she had closed them. Raven is staring expectantly at her.

"Did you say something?" Clarke says to her, and Raven throws her hands up in scornful frustration.

"Look at you now, Clarke," Raven spits. "The great Wanheda, not bothering to pay attention to any of us."

"Maybe if you stopped screaming at her for once—" Murphy mumbles under his breath.

"Shut up," Clarke breathes. "Don't call me that."

"Well, I'm sorry, Wanheda!" Raven yells. "But I don't take orders from you! See how well this is turning out for us? You and your stupid fucking blood, had to get us all in trouble."

"Raven," Bellamy says warningly. "Stop it."

"I can fix this," Clarke insists. "We're going to go back and I'm going to fix this." 

"Clarke, please take it easy," Echo says, putting a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugs it off gently.

"I just need you to trust me," Clarke sighs. "I need—"

"Oh, for god's sake, Clarke!" Raven spits. "We don't need you. No one needs you right now."

There's a brief pause.

And then Clarke grabs her bag and leaves.

Despite how weak and sick she's feeling, she manages to walk straight and tall, as if she's perfectly okay.

She is. She has to be.

The rain soaks into her hair, making her feel colder and colder with each step.

"Clarke!" she hears Bellamy yell from behind her. "Clarke, wait!"

She keeps walking.

If she turns around, she will never make it.

"CLARKE!  _Please."_

She stops, and allows Bellamy to grab and shoulder and turn her around.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"Sanctum," Clarke declares. "I'm going to Sanctum."

"No way. I am  _not_ letting you go alone," he pleads. 

"You guys can join me later," Clarke says, violently shoving his hand away, and an expression of pure fear crosses his face.

She can tell he's wondering if it's her or Josephine.

"Let me go," she demands, and she doesn't wait for his answer. She turns and she keeps going.

"Do you know the way back?" he calls out to her.

"Yeah," Clarke lies, but it's okay since she won't actually be going to Sanctum.

She's going to end this once and for all.

* * *

Bellamy watches her go, disappearing into the skeletal trees.

He can vaguely hear Raven screeching inside, and he wishes that she would just shut up for once.

Clarke had barely spoken to him. All the trauma she'd just endured, and she'd just left, like she wasn't hurt at all.

But Bellamy likes to think that he knows her best out of all the people here except Madi and Abby, and he can see it in her eyes. The rage, the fear, the sorrow. Like someone had reopened old wounds and made them deeper.

"Where's she going?" Gabriel says, appearing next to him, the rain pressing his black and grey hair to his forehead.

"Sanctum," Bellamy sighs.

Gabriel shakes his head. "That's not the way to Sanctum."

* * *

It's so cold.

Even with the jacket, Clarke's shivering.

 _How do you think this ends for you, Clarke?_ Josephine had asked her.  _With you dying. This only ends when you're dead._

(well, Josie, you're right.)

* * *

Raven is bitter.

Bitter, enraged, every emotion crashing into her at once.

 _Good riddance!_ she screams at the rest of them, chiding her for making Clarke leave even though they would gladly attack Clarke at all other times. But they fear Bellamy's wrath, they fear the depth of Bellamy's love.

Echo stares at the floor. "She's just trying to help," she insists.

"When has she ever actually helped?" Raven asks.

"Don't be naive, Raven," Echo says, raising her head with a scowl. "We wouldn't be alive without her."

"And what a life we're living," Raven spits.

* * *

"Clarke's gone," Bellamy says, walking in, and Murphy feels an icy fire of shame burning in the pit of his stomach.

"Yeah, we know, hence her taking her stuff and leaving," Emori says dryly. Before, Murphy had no qualms about joining the battle against Clarke, but he feels nothing but guilt right now.

And he hates it.

"No," Bellamy says, almost hysterically. "She hasn't gone to Sanctum."

"Where did she go, then?" Echo asks.

"I don't know," Bellamy says, twisting his fingers together. "But there could be anything in that forest—"

"She'll be fine," Raven says sullenly. "She always is, isn't she?"

* * *

There's a cliff, and Clarke walks towards the edge, stopping only a few feet before she would meet thin air. Maybe there's a river down there, maybe a lake, a couple of hundred feet down.

She sets her bag down and opens it, pulling out a sharp knife, holding it in her trembling hands.

_Not a bad way to go, right?_

She sits down, her legs hanging over the edge of the cliff. The rain is giving way to a beautiful and clear night, stars dotting every square inch of the black blanket that spreads over the sky. 

A few constellations she recognizes, but many that she doesn't.

Clarke stares out at the empty space, suddenly a little less certain of what she's planned to do.

It's beautiful, and she's not sure if she wants to leave it behind.

_If you stay, you'll destroy it._

She closes her eyes, tears rolling down her cheeks. One last sacrifice.

But is it a sacrifice, or is it selfishness?

Selfish, because she'd leave them to fight a war on their own.

_Nobody needs you._

For once, it's a comforting thought.

Clarke wishes she had some of Monty's old moonshine. It would be absolutely hilarious, really. One more drink as she decides how she's going to make her last choice. By knife, by the gun in her backpack, or by the space beneath her feet.

She sets the knife in her lap and leans back, putting her weight on her hands.

_What about Madi?_

(it's okay. she's growing up. she won't need me.)

_Bellamy?_

(you aren't his family, Clarke. he's a part of yours, but you aren't a part of his anymore.)

_One last sacrifice._

She sits up straight and picks up the knife.

Thinks for a moment.

Tucks it back into the bag.

She can wait a little longer to make her choice.

The universe can at least give her that much.

* * *

"So you want us to help you  _look_ for her," Raven asks contemptuously.

"She could be in danger," Bellamy says, begging her to see reason. "Please, Raven."

* * *

"I'll go," Echo says. She can't bear to see Bellamy in so much pain, and she knows he'd be devastated if something were to happen to Clarke now.

And in all honesty, Echo does not want Clarke to die.

She hopes Clarke understands that.

* * *

"I'm in, too," Murphy says softly. The guilt eating away at his insides doesn't ease, but it's the right thing to do.

It's the least he could do.

He'd just have to find a way that both he and Emori could walk away from this unharmed.

* * *

Tears fall over the edge, disappearing into the unforgiving darkness.

"I'm so sorry," Clarke whispers, still sobbing quietly. "I'm sorry."

* * *

Raven sees footsteps in the damp dirt, knowing that they're Clarke's. Everyone else is walking ahead of her, walking in the wrong direction.

She could choose, right here, right now.

_No. Leave her._

Raven wrenches herself away from the footprints, but then she stops.

_Would she leave you?_

Raven's eyes flutter closed. She wants desperately to believe that the answer to that question is no, but it's not. It's not. It could never be.

* * *

"She went this way," Raven says flatly from behind them, and Murphy turns to look at her. Her expression is blank.

Murphy gets the impression that maybe Raven wouldn't have pointed that out.

But she did.

* * *

It's like deja vu.

A gun to her head, but in a desert instead of here.

_It's the bullet or the fall, Clarke._

The knife would be too painful, and she doesn't want to suffer.

It's cowardly, but Clarke figures it won't matter.

She stares down at the darkness, and it's starting to seem like a better option.

_L'appel du vide._

The call of the void.

She puts the gun down.

So this leaves one option.

_(l'appel du vide.)_

* * *

The shouting starts.

* * *

Bellamy seizes her shoulders roughly. "What were you thinking?" he asks. "What were you thinking, Clarke?"

* * *

"I wasn't thinking," she says, and then her eyes close.

* * *

Tired.

* * *

She fakes being asleep for two hours.

* * *

She'd failed, and they're stuck with her.

* * *

One will think it's a happy ending.

The fact that she lived, that they found her.

* * *

It's not what Clarke wanted.

* * *

It's not a happy ending.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
